Sympathy
by quickand2thepointless
Summary: Fai is living with nightmares, and Kurogane is waiting for him to stop playing around and finally live. What is Fai wishing for, and what does he truly feel behind all of his lies? KuroFai one-shot, spoilers for Celes.


**A/N: **So it seems another Kuro/Fai has happened. And I still seem to want to do more. Yes, I think I have fallen head over heels in love with them. And I couldn't be happier.

**Rating: **T for some Kuro-swearing and some very thick sexual tension. And for Fai death wishes and slightly graphic memories. Oh, Fai!

**Timeline/Spoilers: **Happens during the Acid Tokyo arc before everything goes south. Presumably the same night Kuro gives his beautiful "Your past doesn't matter, so start worrying about the present you" speech. Spoilers for Celes, and very minimal spoilers for Tokyo.

**Disclaimer: **CLAMP gets the glory for the characters, setting, etc.

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_There is a tower secluded far away in a magical realm, a place he can never go back to. Inside, nothing can decay or disappear; everything stays as it is, trapped as if in a frozen moment that continues on for eternity. The corpses, the criminals and innocent victims, remain locked in their final moments of agony, their teeth bared, their eyes wide and bulging in fear of their impending deaths. They cannot return to the earth or find final peace, but even they have ceased to be frightening to the only living things in the tower, the twins who have stood sentry over this den of death for more than one lifetime. They are haunted by worse evils: the sounds of words and accusations, the feelings of bad blood and curses, the painful knowledge that they are responsible, that everything is their fault, that they brought this unending nightmare upon themselves._

_ The boy that is him, that was him once, buries his face in his hands. He is thin like a skeleton, but he is undeniably alive. That is how it must be. He does not know if the dead suffer wherever they go, but he thinks their suffering cannot possibly be worse than what those that live endure. He cannot be punished properly in death when it is so much more raw to live and breathe while the world falls apart at the seams because of him, because of what he is._

_ "I want to..." he whispers in a hoarse voice. But what does he want? To leave would bring as much pain and misery as staying. To be with his brother would give him some measure of comfort, but it was their togetherness, their sameness, that brought them to this point to begin with. What could he ask for that would truly make him happy? He looks at the faces of the corpses around him. Their faces are distorted with horror, but their souls are no longer behind those faces. Wherever they have gone, it is not here. They have escaped, they have gone somewhere else. They have left their pain behind in ageless, empty shells._

_ He closes his eyes and clenches his hands into fists."I want to die!" he yells, his voice ringing through the tower. "I want to die! I want to die! But before that happens, I want... I want to..."_

0o0o0o0o0o

Fai awakens with a gasp, his heart pounding and his face drenched in sweat. It has been a long time since he has had that dream— or rather, the echo of that memory— and he worries for a moment that its return to him means that time is slowly running out for him and that he will have to go back. He's always doubted that his wish to Yuuko to never see Celes again would be able to last for the duration of the journey, but these doubts do not keep him from hoping against hope that fate will take a different path than what has been preordained, and that someone will come to take him away to a place where he can be free of everything— his past, his future, the chains of a destiny that is cursed and lonely.

Rubbing his eyes, he glances around the room. At the far corner, Sakura is still sleeping in her world of dreams, and Syaoran is resting beside her bed, his head buried in his arms. Kurogane is beside the window, bathed in the faint light of the moon. His eyes are awake and open, and he is looking directly at Fai with a pinched expression, his eyebrows creased into what on anyone else would be a look of concern. But Fai knows better. Kurogane has never shown him a moment of sympathy; even when he is in pain or injured, Kurogane is much more likely to lecture him about his carelessness and lack of concern for his life than he is to offer words of comfort.

_"I want to die," echoes in Fai's head, and another voice interrupts him, saying, "It's not that you didn't die. It's that you _won't _die. The ones I hate the most are those who give up their lives before all hope is gone."_

"Nightmare?" Kurogane asks, his voice, as usual, betraying very little concern.

"No," Fai responds, quickly forcing a smile. "It was a good dream."

"People usually don't whimper and cry during good dreams."

"Well, it was a naughty dream, then." Fai leans forward, closing his eyes and driving the corners of his lips even higher. "Would Kurorin like to hear about it?"

"Liar."

Through the slits of his eyes, Fai can see that Kurogane is still staring at him with an unnerving coldness. He cannot suppress the shiver that comes over him, and the lingering thought of the words that had been spoken to him that very same day in the same cold voice: _"That's what you wish, isn't it? To feign a smile and let no one get close to you, so no one gets involved." _Kurogane had grasped dangerously close to the truth, but there was more to his wish than that, more that Kurogane had perhaps been unable to understand. _"I want to die,_" a child's voice reminds him, softly. _"But before that happens, I want to..."_

Fai grits his teeth beneath his smile. "If it was a nightmare, will Kuro-tan comfort me?" he asks, hoping Kurogane would go off into one of his fits of anger and put the subject back at a safe distance. It is much easier to evade his questions and careful picking at Fai's hidden heart when he is turned into something that can be teased and made light of. Although, perhaps even that isn't a good plan anymore. Kurogane already has an idea of how much of that approach is fake, and which parts of Fai are make believe, a fantasy made to distract from the reality he had left behind, the magical tower, and the body of the twin that had fallen from the tower because of him.

"Comfort," Kurogane snorts derisively. "Hmph. As if you would know the first thing about what to do with that."

Fai blinks. _Is that right? _Chii had comforted him before, but that was a step or two away from the actual gesture itself, given what she is and what she was created to do. There was Ashura-o, but even that was laced with ill intent, buried underneath a wish that is as poisonous as Fai's own. _I want to die, and I want you to be responsible. _What would Fai do with comfort that is real and genuine? What does such a thing even feel like, he wonders?

"It doesn't matter," Kurogane says, folding his arms across his chest. "I told you that."

"What doesn't matter, Kuro-sama?"

"Your past. To me. And it shouldn't to you."

"Then what was the point of it happening, if it doesn't matter?"

"It was the road that led you here. And now that you're here, you should do as you want."

_I want to die, still, _Fai thinks to himself, his throat tightening. _But before that, I want..._

He looks at Kurogane, his smile wavering. It is better not to want anything else. Death is enough. The possibility of being with his brother again is enough, if there really is a life after death. He can't die yet, in case he really can make his twin live again— though the price of that doesn't bear thinking of; he doesn't want to dwell on the blood Fei Wang Reed had promised he would have to spill to pay for the realization of that dream— and if he cannot do that, he doesn't want anything else to tie him down to the world and make it difficult for him to leave it. _But still. _He hadn't anticipated Kurogane's presence when he started down this path. He knew of him, of course, but the man he imagined in his mind hadn't been like _this_. The living, breathing figure in front of him is a much harder image to dismiss, and those red eyes, well muscled body, and most importantly, that driven and unrelenting _soul_ draw another wish to Fai's mind, one that he cannot possibly ask for, but one that he wants all the same.

"Damn it," Kurogane sighs, his stiff posture relaxing just a little. "You're such a fake."

"Yes, I'm the kind of person you hate the most. I know."

"No," he says, surprising Fai. "Not you."

"Not... me?"

"The false things you do, the lies, the empty person you place in front of us that you pretend is you is what I hate. But you..."

"If this isn't me, how do you know who is, Kuro-sama?" Fai inches forward so he is sitting at Kurogane's side. "What makes you think this isn't real?"

"Because someone who is really so damn happy all the time wouldn't have the kind of wish he's killing himself inside for. It's not as if I haven't noticed. You've been playing me this whole time, and I'm still waiting for you to stop."

"Stop and do what?"

Kurogane wraps his fingers around Fai's chin and lower jaw and tightens them. "Do what you really want."

"And what if this game is what I want?"

"It doesn't make you happy. It won't get you anywhere or set you free, idiot. If it's what you wanted, you wouldn't still be here torturing yourself."

_I want to die, _the voice says again as Kurogane tilts Fai's face upwards and stares harshly into his eyes. _But before I go, I want my brother to be free._

_ That's what I wanted, too, and you never let me give it you, _a similar voice echoes, saying words that could never be spoken from a mouth that had long been silenced. _I gave myself for that wish, but you never accepted your freedom. I won't let you disappear before you do. I won't let you die._

Fai shivers, but the words aren't enough. _I want to die, I want to die, I want to die._

Kurogane sighs and drops his hand away from Fai's face. "Shit. Why do I even bother?"

"It doesn't matter to you, Kuro-tan," Fai says, smiling. "You _shouldn't _bother."

"I told you, it's your past that doesn't matter. It's living now that's important."

Fai leans forward, his hair masking his eyes. "That isn't what I want."

"Then I'll continue to wait until you realize that it is." Kurogane's hands tighten, but he reaches up to pull off his coat and ball it into his lap.

"What are you doing, Kuro-sama?"

He pats the fabric with his hands, gesturing for Fai to lay his head on it. "Tomoyo-hime always said that you have better dreams when you're comfortable."

"I might take this the wrong way," Fai warns him. "I might begin to think that Kuro-puu is starting to have sympathy for me."

"Take it however you like," Kurogane growls. "Just take it."

Fai shrugs and lowers his head onto Kurogane's lap, stretching the rest of his body out like a languid cat. It doesn't bother him at first. For all his outward display of coldness, Kurogane's body is nice and warm and sweetly perfumed with a comforting mixture of sweat and rainwater and steel. If nothing else mattered to him, he would be happy to drown in this embrace, falling contentedly into these arms and allowing them to be his salvation. But an ache begins to foster in his heart when he remembers who he is and why he is here. _You can wish for anything, but that doesn't mean you can have it, or make it truly yours, _Fai reminds himself. _This is wrong. It isn't possible to have each of your dreams come true and still be happy. But still... but still..._

He feels Kurogane's hands stroking his hair back and forth, soothing and tender. "Don't make this harder," Fai says into the pillow of his coat, a few stray tears pricking his eyes. "Please."

Kurogane laughs bitterly. "If I don't, you'll never wake up."

Fai tenses in his arms. _Don't you understand? I want to die! Even if it is before I make my wish, I want to die, I want to leave this place, I want to escape before I end up hurting you and the only other people I have come to love. Just let me die! But before that, I want to..._

_ Find someone who loves me, _he at last finishes, allowing the tears to slip from his eyes. _Find someone who will stay by my side and take me to a place where I can find happiness. That is what I really want, what I have always, always really wanted._

But he doesn't say anything out loud, instead allowing himself to be lulled back to sleep by the warmth of Kurogane's coat against his cheek and the sweet feeling of long fingers weaving through his hair. Fate will continue to move forward, and he will still trek blindly towards his impossible wish, waiting passively for the future when his wish would either come true or he would die with his feeble hopes falling uselessly to the ground. Everything else, especially this unshakable and foolish love inside of him, will only make it all the more painful, but his heart is something he cannot change. All people, even him, thirst for love on a basic level, and with Kurogane at his side, loving the shades of him he glimpses whenever Fai's mask begins to crack and waiting to be loved properly, it grows even more impossible for him to be immune to it and keep himself distant.

_To wish for happiness, _he thinks to himself as he drifts off to sleep in Kurogane's arms. _Is it okay to think this way, after all this time?_ _Is it okay to want to live?_

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**A/N: **Critiques are, as always, appreciated, and I hope you enjoyed!


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